Why You Should Care About the Obesity Epidemic – Even if You’re Not Obese

Unless you’ve been living under a rock the last 20 years or so, you know that the United States is in the midst of an obesity epidemic. If you HAVE been living under a rock, as you venture out into your new world, you may have noticed that we’re a little bigger than we used to be. Also, why were you living under a rock? Remember to wear sunscreen – you are super pale.

Now that we’re all on the same page. . .

You may be thinking to yourself, “I’m not obese. I’m not even overweight. Why should I care about someone else’s health?” Some people also have the attitude that obese/overweight people got themselves into that mess, so it should be up to them to get out of it, just stop eating, get up off the couch, etc. I’m here to give you some reasons why EVERYONE should care about obesity.

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Top 5 Reasons to Vote

If you have just woken up from a coma, you may not realize that today is Election Day, and (hopefully) tonight we will know who our next President of the United States will be. I hereby introduce to you the top 5 reasons why you, possible American citizen, should go vote today.

Who voted? YOU voted.

1. You get a sweet sticker. Also, if you take a picture of said sticker and social media it, we can help break all the social media today. Break all the things!!!

2. Like to complain about politics or political figures? If you don’t vote, it would be like watching an overflowing bathtub and complaining that SOMEONE should be doing something to fix it. Go vote: then you can complain. Because America.

3. If astronauts currently living on the International Space Station can vote, you can stand in line for an hour and do the same.

From the New York Times – Voters in Staten Island

4. If people living in New York and New Jersey, with no power, heat, or running water, can go vote, I mean seriously you can stand in line and vote.

5. I’ve heard every complaint about voting: It’s inconvenient, my vote doesn’t count for anything, etc. We live in a democracy. Democracies work by citizens voting for their elected officials. Participate in our democracy and go vote. It’s how America works!

Top Five Scientific Reasons Why There Can Never Be Zombies (Or, What I Tell Myself When I Can’t Sleep After Watching “The Walking Dead”)

1. Nails and teeth would be the first things to fall off of a decaying body, which would make a zombie pretty innocuous. Sure, it would be pretty traumatic to have a zombie gumming your arm, or pawing at your chest, but without nails to scratch, or teeth to bite, how would they pass on the virus?

2. As top predators, zombies would occupy a higher trophic level than us, and would need to eat a lot of humans to keep up their energy needs. How could they hunt down enough humans, especially when there are large zombie hoards? It just doesn’t make thermodynamic sense. The caveat to this idea though is that if they’re cold blooded and if they aren’t trying to support an energy-sucking brain, like humans do, then they may be able to survive on fewer calories per day.

3. Within a few days of death, a zombie would become a bloated, decomposing, maggot-ridden bag of gas. The human body is full of nutrients, and insects and bacteria make pretty quick work of defenseless human flesh. A zombie would be a puddle goo in no time.

4. Don’t tell PETA, but zombies would be vegan. It makes more sense for zombies to eat grass and weeds than brrrraiinnns because digesting meat requires teeth to chew the flesh and organs to make protein-dissolving enzymes. Since they don’t have a working digestive track, they would instead make use of their native bacterial populations to break down plant matter and to generate the amino acids and vitamins they would need to wander around and scare people.

5. Dogs and other predators would eat them. Sure, they’re made of rotting meat, but my well-fed Chihuahua-mix will drag month-old avocado rinds from my compost pile to nibble on, so I imagine if there were packs of abandoned pets they would start hunting down zombies for dinner. Lions, tigers, bears, ostriches and other large predators could also take a bite out of the zombie population. Literally.